Good Habits – Part I

Perhaps I am like any other distraught parent.  Surely I must not be the only one whose children are not bad at picking up and being responsible for their stuff?  However were I to give an honest judgement, the verdict would be – “terrible”!  I hear myself constantly shooting out “Put your shoes where they belong”  “Put your laundry in the basket, not on the floor!” “Why hasn’t this book been put back?” “Are your toys left on the floor again?”  It’s exhausting!!

A few options:  a)get mad again, b)put on the threatening tone, c)smile and shrug and do the job for them or ask the more responsible sibling to get it done (kids will be kids, you know), d)patiently instruct for the five hundred and fifth time(knowing the five hundred and sixth time will realistically occur in the next fifteen minutes), e)punish them deservedly, f)pull a few more strands of hair and blink back tears of frustration, g)mourn tearfully to the children about how they do not respect their mother enough to do what needs to be done …Or, or I could take stock and say, “Something is wrong here and by the grace of God, I am going to try to remedy this while I still have a few fleeting moments in hand.”

The question is, what is my goal in parenting?  Of course I want to be a good mother! Feed, clothe and nurture.  Do I wish to be remembered as a “sweet and loving mother” because I gave them whatever they wanted? Because I only had positive things to say whether or not they deserved it – since I didn’t want to be negative? Or do I want to be recalled with a profound sense of gratitude because I helped save them from unnecessary learning in adulthood?  The latter will involve a definite need for muscle.  Emotional muscle.

I have been reading Charlotte Mason’s writings on habit.  Habit is ten natures.  Meaning that just as a natural strength takes the forefront in life, habit is ten such natures.  This could be marvelous or it could be the worst thing possible! A child’s weakness could be just as powerful as his strength.

My children, honestly do not have even a quarter of what the average American child has and yet I see they still do not have a respect for ‘the little’ they own.  The new swimsuit lies where it has been discarded.   The toys are hastily shoved in the wrong boxes and under the bed in a superficial attempt to tidy up.  Their desks are cluttered with papers and junk and their beds are carelessly made. Bad habits that are by no means getting better!

And then I had this brain wave, this moment of enlightenment.  As parents, we want to give our children things, stuff, all that we love for them to have.  Yet, I must remember that how my child takes care of his bike, will determine how he will care for his (and my or his friend’s,) car.  The careless, reckless, inconsiderate, “O well, I’ll get something better and I’ll take better care of it next time” is an attitude that will only impede my child’s development.  NO!  It is not my child’s right to have a gazillion things for the sake of possession (so she can tell her friends, “I have that too.”)  The more I do this, the more I create a covetous child who is not super pleased and content with what she has but wants what someone else has.  There is a legitimate desire to own something for the pleasure of what it renders.  A nice pair of roller skates, a new tennis racquet, a new book; but not to enjoy it for the moment, possess it for the thrill of sheer possession, tiring of it as soon as the novelty wears off.

My in-laws are some of the most generous people I know.  They are both retired but they often send us a love package and it always holds the most for the children.  For the most part, in all fairness, our children are extremely appreciative of all that Grandma and Grandpa send, but occasionally I will see a few items strewn and it pains me, because I know the sacrifice and expense that has gone into purchase, package and post.

Am I spoiling my children?  Down the road are they going to think, “Gee we were loved, we got everything we asked for!” There is also the danger that they might think of Mom as a nag and one who was constantly annoying them.  “Dang, she really got on our nerves, ‘glad we don’t have to put up with that anymore!”  I would hate both equally!  What I am asking myself is can I take a radical path that will help them and in the process preserve my sanity?

I realize that time is short and I must emotionally muscle to the task and rely on the grace of God to stay calm and in control through this process.  I believe I can help my children be responsible, clean, tidy and thankful.  I think this will also help them to be more focused for lessons.  Tidy living equals tidy thoughts.  A scrambled, distracted atmosphere will produce inattention and negligence.  I do not want to ride on the few good times, I want their rails locked down so tight that the ride is always good and the exceptional derailment is quickly rectified.  I shared my moment of enlightment with my husband.  He is always such a wise and steady anchor in my turbulent times!  He decided to support me through this so that we would work together to help our children.

I am not going to worry about the accidentally spilled milk or the print of little hands on the wall, or the set of muddy footprints in the drive way – all these point to the evidence of children in the home but they needn’t be groomed to be sloppy, dawdlers that survive due to the occasional spurt of impromptu bursts of enthusiasm –  a six-hour “I’ll -clean -up -today”  project, that like the comet is a rare occurrence.

In Charlotte’s words, We are all mere creatures of habit. The effort of decision, we have seen, is the greatest effort of life: not the doing of the thing, but the making up of one’s mind as to which thing to do first.

How can I make this easier for my child?

I can lessen the burden.  Minimize the number of items to be dealt with.  This will be my project tomorrow and I shall post Part 2 on how this was done.  Part 3 will be the honest results – success or (God forbid) failure, as shall follow.

Pray for me!